I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
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