the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
im six kinds of drunk right now
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
