Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize
