i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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