I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
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