if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
