hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
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