oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
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