need another drink. this is the easiest way
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
