I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
Randomize
