Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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