It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
