Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
Yep Great. Apparently I didn't just say things once that night. Drink. Yell. Repeat.
U also mentioned u werent wearing any underwear hahahaha
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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