I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
When are your genitals available?
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Randomize
