I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Randomize
