when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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