Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
