she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
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