I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
