I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
so i was creeping on him today and there was like nothing new except he became a fan of getting dome
i wish i could be like. "i like giving dome, lets be friends"
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
