They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
