My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Randomize
