did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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