The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Randomize
