i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Randomize
