hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
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