Well to be completely honest its more of a 'i wanna do things to you that your parents would not enjoy hearing about' mood
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
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