You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
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