Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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