hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Randomize
