did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
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