Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
