Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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