Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
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