Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
