He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
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