I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
I would like to add..this is the first november for two years that i haven't cheated on a bf...thank you..thank you
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Randomize
