Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Randomize
