I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Randomize
