1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Randomize
