I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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