so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
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