he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
Randomize
