just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
