i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
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