I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
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