I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
