ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
