I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
We're too hungover to prance.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
Randomize
