Go study a dick amy that's outrageous
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
