I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
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