He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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