Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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