tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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