Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
