She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
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