My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
Randomize